Monday, July 30, 2012

Punishing the Wicked

The waiting room was playing REO Speedwagon.

"Gus," I whispered (because you whisper in waiting rooms) as he stepped inside, "Hand me those knives General Gavsot gave us."  He quickly gave me the two short daggers he'd been carrying since we left the Department of Enforcement.

"Okay," Gus said.  "Stab a couple of these poor schmucks and let's get the hell out of here."

I walked over to an elderly man leafing through a copy of Brimstone Weekly.  "Name," I said authoritatively.

He looked up in surprise.  "Frank," he said.  "Delaney."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone.  "What are you doing?" Gus hissed.  He sounded exasperated. 

"I'm calling Winston to see what this guy did before I stab him," I replied.

Gus' eyes bulged.  "Dude!  He's in Hell!  He did bad stuff to get here, man!  Everybody in this room is gonna get tortured way worse than a little stab in the gut, so you might as well not worry about who did what right now!"

"Maybe so," I shrugged. "But I'm not a stabby kind of guy.  I'd at least like to know I'm punishing a murderer instead of a guy who didn't pay his taxes."

The phone rang.  "Yes, sir?" came the melancholy answer.

"Winston," I said smoothly.  "I need to know the worst offense committed by a recently deceased man named Frank Delaney."

"Hang on," Winston said with glum cooperation.  I heard the clicking of a few keys.  Then, "It appears that Mr. Delaney cheated on his wife with four other women over a twenty-two year period."

"That's the worst he did?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied.

"Make sure that wherever you assign him, it's somewhere with only male demons." I said.  "I don't want this man to see another woman for at least twenty-two years."

"Consider it done, sir," Winston agreed miserably.

"Thank you, Winston," I said, and hung up.  I looked down at Mr. Delaney, who was looking up at me in fear.

"Well, Frank," I sighed. "You're not exactly a mass murderer, but you are kind of a scumbag, aren't you?"  He opened his mouth to answer, but before he could speak I whipped out the daggers and drove them deep into his flesh, one through each thigh.


  1. "And let's [get] the hell out of here"
    Missed a word

    1. Actually, the missing word was "vamoose."

      Just kidding. Thanks for pointing it out.