Monday, September 9, 2013

Talking it Out

“Who’s your leader?” I asked the demon who’d been brave enough to speak. 

“His name is Wakka,” he said.

“Wakka?”  Gus said incredulously.  “And what’s your name, Fozzy?”

The demon gave him a briefly look of perplexity and addressed me again. “Sir, we believe he is the rightful Director of the Department of Development but we’ve faced incredible opposition trying to give him the position.”

I shook my head.  “I really don’t have time for this,” I said irritably.  I turned to the opposing mob.  “Okay, so why can’t we just make this Wakka guy the Director?” I asked. 

It seemed as though each member of the mob decided to explain it to me simultaneously using entirely different words.  I was assailed with a barrage of overlapping exclamations that amounted to complete gibberish.  “HEY!” I bellowed, and instantly the crowd went silent.  “Don’t you have one guy to speak for you like that nice army over there does?”

“I will speak for them,” a short, lime-green demon with a Barry White voice said.   “I’m their leader.  I’m the rightful Director of the Department of Construction.”

“Wait, which is it?” I whispered to Gus.    “The Department of Development or the Department of Construction?”

“Both,” Gus whispered back.  “It’s switched back and forth countless times over the millennia.  To everyone else it’s kind of a running joke, but the demons in the Department of Developstruction take it very seriously.”

“Interesting,” I murmured.  To the Barry White demon, I said, “What’s your name?”

“Malkino,” he replied.  I’d noticed that he was brazenly forgoing the “sir” that his counterpart had used. 

“Malkino,” I asked him sternly, “Why is there any question of who the rightful leader of…this Department…is?  Aren’t all Department Directors chosen by and given authority from the Devil?   Don’t all of you serve at the pleasure of your Supreme Overlord?  Don’t you all derive all rights to exercise power from me and no one else?” 

I admit I was power tripping, but he was small and I didn’t like him.  “There should be no question of who is in charge of this Department,” I thundered in conclusion.  Malkino gave me a hesitant stare.  He clearly had no idea what to say next.

“Uh, Sir?” Jorge said quietly.  “Vilnius is dead.  He was the Director.”

I’d completely forgotten.  “Oh, shit!” I exclaimed in surprise.

Azraal’s head cackled gleefully.


  1. Loved the Muppets reference! Wakka does seem kind of not-so-epic as far as demon names go, but funny!

    1. Well, Wakka isn't a demon anyway, he's a pit guard. They're smaller, weaker and uglier than demons...and they don't have any kind of superhuman abilities to speak of. So naturally, over the millennia, the demons have made sure to subjugate the pit guards. They're less than second-class citizens in Hell, and it's been that way long enough that most of them have accepted the fact that their species doesn't get taken seriously. It's gotten to the point where most pit guards intentionally give their children names reflecting how little of a threat they are.

      Hence, Wakka's name. It's silly-sounding (and I'm sure Wakka's parents had no knowledge of the Muppets!) and instills no fear in the hearts of his enemies. And that makes it a totally normal name for a pit guard.

  2. Thanks! That was pretty cool background info. Definitely helped me kind of split them into separate entities. Now I just gotta remember who's what.

    And I suppose Wakka would probably strike more fear into my hear than say, Zzzzizzifizzifus, haha.

    1. Yeah, Zyzyfus is kind of a chump...