Saturday, December 14, 2013

His Satanic Majesty Requests

“You’ve dicked me over how many times with my reallocation request and you want something from me?” Kivra asked incredulously.  “I can’t figure out if your balls are brass or if your brain is yogurt.”

“I’m the Devil,” I said firmly.  “You can’t refuse me.”

“Watch me,” she said with a sickeningly sweet smile.  She moved toward me slowly, her hips gliding with a seductive rhythm.

I stepped back.  “I’m your king, dammit,” I growled. 

She took a deep breath as she approached me, and even though it was obvious that she was doing it to push her breasts forward, I couldn’t help but appreciate the completely unwelcome distraction.  As I began to succumb to my urge to stare, my view of her succulent bosom was blocked by one of Jaelin’s shoulder blades.

“Back the fuck off, Kivra,” Jaelin warned, standing between us.  Kivra’s hold over me was broken but now I had the lesser problem of trying not to stare at Jaelin’s cute little bright pink butt. 

“Out of my way, Bubblegum,” Kivra hissed through clenched teeth.

Regaining my resolve, I made my best argument.  “It’s either give me an army or we all die,” I called to her.  

“Because an army of Pit Guards is going to defeat an army of invincible Firstborn,” Kivra said, rolling her eyes in exasperation.  “I never had any respect for you in the first place, but even I find it appalling that you can be this fucking incompetent.”

“I could say the same to you,” I murmured.  “You’re resisting the only hope we have just because you don’t like me.”

She shrugged disinterestedly.  “I don’t think any course of action involving you has any hope.”

“I don’t think I’m going to let you stop me from taking my course of action,” I returned evenly.

“What are you gonna do about it?” she taunted.  Her confidence was still sexy, even if her stubbornness was infuriating.  I was suddenly struck with a surreal perspective—here I was, in Hell, with a hot naked demon chick tossing a schoolyard taunt at me as we stared each other down.  Saying that my existence had taken a complete one-eighty didn’t really seem to adequately express the contrast between my mortal and post-mortal experiences.

I summoned my courage, and, taking great care to look Kivra in the eye (and not at her more enthralling features), I said, “If you don’t comply, I will strip you of your title.  I will remove you as the Director of Torture.”

Her nostrils flared.


  1. I guess if Kivra still wants to make people miserable, she can come to the human world and take up telemarketing.

    1. That's an interesting image. Kivra, with one of those headsets on, swearing abusively at some nice old lady who keeps insisting that she's satisfied with her long distance provider...

  2. And look, he has another demon right here next to him that he could instal in that position without even sparking another demon civil war. That would make the inevitable betrayal worse in the long run, but it'd definitely work in the short term.