Monday, September 22, 2014

Introduction

“So,” I said, my voice dry and raspy.  “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Oh, lots of things,” he said.  “But for starters, I figured we should get to know each other a little.”

“But…don’t you know me already?” I asked.  “You know everything, right?”

“Well,” he said modestly.  “Not everything.  But you make a pretty good point.  So maybe you should get to know me a little.”

“Okay.”

“So,” he began, “I’m God.  I’m several billion years old—I kind of lost track, to be honest.  It doesn’t help that even if I knew exactly how old I was, I’d have to convert it into units based upon the length of your particular planet’s orbit around your particular sun, and that’s a lot of math that I really don’t feel like doing right now.”

“Okay….”

He put his elbow up on the edge of the table so that he could prop his chin up against his palm.  “Let’s see, what else?  I’m a huge Cubs fan.  Not many people know that.  It’s usually pretty surprising to most people because my favorite team hasn’t won a World Series, in, well…just about forever, but I think it’s more exciting to watch the team progress without giving them any kind of divine help.”  He paused, apparently thinking.  “I also really love just about any kind of food with barbecue sauce on it, which is why I come here for the Baron’s Bacon Beast Burger.”  He punctuated his sentence by picking up his half-eaten burger, taking a slow, deliberate bite, chewing thoughtfully, and swallowing with a smile.  He flashed me a thumbs-up.  “What do you think?” he asked.  “I could do commercials for these guys, right?”

I could not believe this babbling dork was actually God.  I kept expecting the big bearded guy in the white robe to walk out of the bathroom and thank Pudgy McTalkative here for saving his seat.  “Yeah, sure,” I said lamely, mostly because there really wasn’t much else that I could have said.

“Okay,” he said with a sigh, using a napkin to dab a spot of sauce from his lip.  “I guess maybe I tried too hard with the introductions and the pleasantries.  Would you like to get down to some business?”

If that meant he was going to bring the real God over, then I was definitely on board.  “Sure,” I said.

The man turned around and yelped toward another guy seated a few tables away.  “Lucifer,” he shouted.  “We’re ready for you.”

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