“Okay,” I announced hesitantly. “I guess I’ll do it.”
“Fantastic!” God exulted, leaning over the table to give me a way-too-enthusiastic two-handed handshake. “I’m so glad to hear it!”
“I mean, with billions of souls at stake, it seems like it would be pretty selfish of me not to do it, whether I have to sacrifice myself or not, right?” I reasoned weakly.
“That’s a good call, kid,” Lucifer said appreciatively. “You’ll be doing us a huge favor, and we definitely won’t forget it.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, impatient to get out of there and away from these two supremely powerful doofuses. “So…you guys have a list of ingredients for the spell or something?”
“Ah!” God said. “Yes, here you are.” He produced a small Tupperware container from the seat next to him and set it on the table in front of me. “We kind of got you started,” he explained.
I stared at the thick, reddish-black liquid sloshing around beneath the pale green lid. “Uh…that’s great, thanks,” I said.
“Lots of good stuff in there,” Lucifer told me. “The human blood, of course, a little volcanic ash, ground up petrified wood….”
“Don’t forget the brimstone and the blood of a firstborn lamb,” Lucifer added.
“Right, that too, and the angel hair,” God continued, adding with a self-indulgent grin, “not the pasta, of course.”
“And all that random stuff just gets mixed together and it will somehow blow open the door from Hell into Heaven?” I said.
God furrowed his brow as though I’d asked a particularly dense question. “It’s magic,” he explained.
“Right, of course,” I said.
“Here’s a list of the ingredients we haven’t been able to procure,” Lucifer said, handing me a small piece of folded paper. “You shouldn’t have too much trouble finding this stuff down in the pit.”
“Okay,” I said, shoving the note into my pocket. “So now I just need to know where the door is, right?”
God and Lucifer exchanged their signature glance of uncomfortable embarrassment. “We don’t know where it is,” God confessed.
“Are you kidding me?!” I exploded. It seemed more and more like the universe had been designed by a couple of bumbling godhood-school dropouts. It’s a wonder the Earth had gone this long without bumping into Mars or Venus…or the Sun.
“To be more accurate,” Lucifer offered, “He doesn’t know where it is. I just don’t remember.”