Oddly enough, despite my implication that God was at fault, he seemed happy to explain while Lucifer sulked in shame. “After we created the universe and the human race,” God said, “Luce and I took certain personas upon ourselves. We agreed that, although we were equals and like brothers, I would play the role of God, the benevolent advocate of goodness, and he would take on the identity of the Devil, the corruptive advocate of evil. It was helpful for our fledgling race to have some kind of personified representation of both sides of the coin. You know, a devil to blame and a god to pray to.”
“Wait, so you’re both God and you’re both good?” I said.
“Pretty much,” God replied. “But the problem was that my role was much easier to play. Lucifer here got pretty tired of pretending to be a horrible person all the time. He was the first devil, the initial ruler of Hell, but after a while he convinced me to allow him to choose a successor. We drew up plans and parameters for installing a system of succession and he was able to step down. Or step up, really, because he joined me in Heaven as soon as he retired,” he amended, snorting a little bit at his own bad joke.
“The problem then was,” God continued, “that his chosen successor was—”
“—was a lying dickweed, that’s what he was,” Lucifer interrupted sourly. “That asshole took everything way too seriously. He pretty much method-acted so hardcore that he became convinced that he was actually at war with God and humanity all at the same time. Before we realized what he was doing, he’d managed to seal off the exits to Hell and trap all of its inhabitants indefinitely.”
God patted Lucifer on the shoulder reassuringly. “Poor Luce blames himself. I keep telling him that he made a good choice and that I’d have selected the same successor if I’d been in his shoes. It’s not Lucifer’s fault. Nobody could have seen the devil’s betrayal coming a mile away.”
I frowned. “But aren’t you supposed to be omniscient? You know, all-knowing?”
He chuckled softly in response. “I like to think that I’m just all-knowing enough to understand that I can’t know everything.”